No Man’s Land

I recently attended a gathering of foreign women in Bahrain. It is a sigh of relief to meet someone from your own background while living abroad. In America, I am not fond of hanging out with other Americans. But, it seems that you can connect with more like-minded people when living abroad. They see the world through a broader lens than those who live and stay back home.

It was such a pleasure to share tea, pastries, stories and dreams with women who were just as starry-eyed as me upon their arrival in the Middle East. Reality quickly set in, and they all experienced feelings of isolation in their new culture. Many of the women have been living in Bahrain for 25-30 years. They talked about the experience of arriving pre-internet, newly married, and trying to figure out the intricacies of the language, religion and social relationships. These women and I all share the fact that we married Bahrainis, converted to a new religion, and have adopted a bit of a new culture.

One women referred to the lives of women like us as “no man’s land.” In case you do not understand this reference, no man’s land is a phrase meaning ambiguity…neither here nor there. The woman continued to say, “In my home country, I do not feel quite Scottish enough and in Bahrain I don’t feel quite Bahraini or Arab enough. She told me that once she learned the local dialect, she was able to feel more included but not totally.

It is interesting to meet women who have spent the majority of their adult lives here, married Arab husbands, and raised their children here. Their children have benefited greatly by being multicultural and multilingual. But, naturally there were sacrifices for the mothers. Living away from parents and family in the U.S. or UK before the era of video calls caused feeling of resentment and abandonment that continue to this day. They also faced challenges with the group-oriented culture of the Middle East, where your business is everyone’s business.

Some advice they offered me:

“Learn the language.”

“Do not live with your in-laws if that can be avoided. Trust me, I have been living with my in-laws for 25 years and it can be very difficult. You have no privacy. ”

“Do not complain, argue, or say anything negative about your mother-in- law. Mom is always #1 for Arabs.”

Some women had a lot to say about in-laws, and I understand how their situation might have been difficult because a married couple would virtually never live with their in-laws in the UK or US. But in Bahrain and throughout the Arab world, it is a tradition that sons and their wives stay in the family home. Often, multiple families share the same house. But nowadays young couples who have the financial means to do so are opting to rent their own apartment for more privacy and better opportunities for their children.

Not all in-laws are bad. I can say that mine have been wonderful. One woman mentioned that her relationship with her mother-in-law was loving and warm. She said that she had basically been adopted. I believe mine will be the same.

Living in no man’s land is not easy. Women like “us” have faced challenges here and there. We don’t truly feel “American” or “Western” or “Bahraini” or “Arab”. One woman said “When a white British or American person looks at us they don’t really quite know what to do with us.” They think, “Hmm…what is she?” She continued, “We don’t fit into anyone’s little box of what they think we should be, giving us greater flexibility and a tremendous world- view.”