It is spring again and my life has changed completely. The story of a marriage, a life in the Middle East, the vibrant life abroad, has come to a close. I am in Indiana again. Rebuilding life from rubble after years of living in an isolating, manipulative relationship.
I have often heard that divorce can bring a sense of grief, like dealing with a small death.
But I feel a huge sense of relief that the relationship has ended. I took the initiative and pulled the plug after suffering, and suffering alone. It is a very sad feeling to feel so lonely as a wife.
I realize that I was not in a relationship at all. It was me and not “us” for the whole time.
Khalil Gibran said, “Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.”
I have spent the past several years of my life in silence. Communication, the heart of all relationships, never really happened. We never talked. I could not rely on support because leaning into my partner was interpreted as creating issues. Most of my time was spent alone or with my son. But family bonding and time spent together was a request that was far too much to ask to my former spouse. There was a huge sense of feeling forgotten.
Although I am relieved at my divorce, there is a true sense of grief I feel in other ways.
Life in the Middle East was a joy and a privilege. I felt so strongly connected to Bahraini culture, language, and way of life. I had adapted to the culture and had started to develop my Arabic, which opened up a new way of thinking. I had a career and students that I dearly loved.
Now that I am back in the US, I feel a sense of yearning for the culture and places that I love very much. I feel that my heart is still there. The Persian Gulf is where my soul is.
musafira 